chamomile forest

2006-08-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

It seems impossible that a person can change in so short a time. In recent days, due to circumstances, I've been made to face the monster in myself. It terrified me like nothing could ever do. Now I understand the truth of that old adage - "The greatest enemy is yourself".

It's hard to pick up the pieces. Harder still to keep my plunging self-esteem afloat, if it hasn't already hit rock bottom. I guess one could say it's my ultimate retribution, no matter what name it comes by, I'm done in. Beaten into the dust, humbled, and finally that proud persona is falling away.

What am I? Is that really me? Where is the sweet innocent girl that every boy would fall for? The untainted purity of heart, the virgin-white history? What am I?

A dirty spot on white linen.

2006-08-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been quite a gruelling week ahead! We're all stuffed up at the printing factory, sorting out Chanel ads for September's issues of ELLE, Female & Her World. The problem is that some of the pieces may be printed wrongly, or not evenly enough, so we have to sift them all to pick out the good ones. The numbers are:

ELLE - 40,000 copies
Female - 60,000 copies
Her World - 67,000 copies

And this is only for Singapore. There's another pile for Malaysia too.

We've been going home at 10.00pm every day, it's back-breaking work but hopefully it won't last too long.

Here's a secret: I created a new account and went back to those forums. I know, I'm disobedient, because I did say I'd stay away. However I was very bored and longed to take part in discussions there, and the response rate in there is fast. However, everyone who knew me there once no longer knows who I am, so in a way I'm ok, just posting under a different name. But today, some guy, whom my posts were NOT directed at, said my "therapist attitude" was pissing him off *grumbles* That's just one of the things that makes being online so difficult. You get dissed for nothing, just because you tried to give some advice to someone else.
Well, I turned around and told him not to read my posts if he doesn't like it, and to lay off me. Nobody's telling HIM how to behave anyway. Jerk.

Sadly, that just reminds me how few friends I really do have. I mean...I know I NEED to talk to my friends, that keeps my social spirits happy, but if all I'm doing is going to a forum where there are so much losers...and, shock horror! Am I actually counting on their company to get my social fill? I must be pretty pathetic.
I thought of joining a Singapore forum, but that will just be more hassle, and most of the time you just get ignored, so no point eh.

2006-07-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

I need to be more like...

Sharon. Who gets things done and moves ahead in life with a practicality and cheerful straightforwardness.

Jingmei. Who treats everyone with love, tolerance and understanding.

Samantha. Whose bubbly personality and caring nature makes everyone smile.

And me? I think I am still a big question mark.

2006-07-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling at work.

Coming from a year and a half of working at full speed with little to no problems in my previous job, now suddenly it's back to square one, I barely know anything about the industry I'm in.

Even though everyone at work tells me to just relax and learn for now, I can't help but feel a little useless. Oh, especially when my colleague manages to do everything on her own.

My moods have taken the brunt, and now they're rocky, sometimes high, but most often low. I'm exhausted after each day yet my mind is going at full speed. My self-esteem struggles to stay afloat.

But I guess many people feel this way too.

*sigh*

2006-07-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

I was clearing my Sent Items folder in my mailbox today. As I deleted each message, my eyes fell on the email written to my current boss, which I'd sent my resume and CV to. I felt both proud and humbled at once - proud because I managed to get myself out of a job I was growing to hate, and humbled because it was a reminder to keep my head down and working hard no matter what. I have a new job, a kind and understanding boss, and a colleague who's willing to teach me the ropes. Time passes by really quickly at the offfice, before you know it it's 6pm, so it's crucial to get to work the moment I step in the door. How lucky I am!

August's edition of CLEO magazine is so eye-catching with it's neon pink cover and sunny yellow letters, the perfect backdrop for covergirl Sandra Bullock. Jingmei's sister, Jing Hui, told me that the people working at CLEO are worked to death...I really admire them for being able to churn out such an attractive-looking magazine packed with all sorts of information every month. The amount of research, writing, photography and liasoning with clients...I can't even begin to imagine how much work is squeezed in under a month!

I packed my room a little and threw out a whole bunch of old stuff - 3 black trashbags full of books I like but never got around to read, some clothes I'll not wear since I'm getting into a different style phase now. I'll only keep what I'll wear often, and I will keep things simple. No more accumulating of stuff! On the other hand, I splurged on some glittering new necklaces, a pair of gold hoop earrings, a new pouch for the mp3 player, an issue of U.S. edition Seventeen magazine and this month's issue of SHAPE Singapore. I won't mention the 3 pieces of clothing I bought that cost me a little fortune, but that was my reward to myself for getting a new job, so I'll promise not to spend so much next month.

All power and love to my girls Jingmei, Sharon and Samantha, they visited me in hospital on the 4th July when me and my Dad were down with dengue fever. To my Mum, she's the best in the world, running around frantically to take care of us in hospital and go to work, and for her loving attention when she washed my hair twice during my week in hospital. I love you, Mum.

The new Britney Spear's perfume "Curious in Control" has a smashing little writeup in CLEO:
5 Things You Should Be in Control Of:
- Your life
- Your money
- Your anger
- Your looks
- Your scent

2006-06-26T02:09:00.000-07:00

At 25, I learnt:

- To treasure my parents more

- The meaning of true love;

- That I can learn anything if I put my mind to it;

- To look at life's Big Picture and relax a little more

2006-06-21T02:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Wendy ,

I used to like reading your blog. I found you courageous in your own beliefs and admired your enthusiasm for life. But now all I read are hate and anger-filled posts about the world, and about the people who actually take the time to stop by and read your blog. Some of them may be your fans and friends, others just fence-sitters, and still others who only stop by just to take a perverse pleasure in your angst.

Do you realise what you have become? Your posts are becoming increasingly rife with unnecessary obscenities. It is not that we should not speak obscenities, for if one is truly angry we may find a need to use an obscenity to express the depth of our emotions. But at the rate you are going with it, it seems as if it's more like one of your many accessories to add that "coolness" factor to your already celebrated being.

Being a celebrity (if we can call it that, since you are quite popular in the blog-scene and out of it) is no excuse for you to do what you want - to the extent of not having a care for what effect your behaviour has on others.
It is one thing to be outspoken, different and exciting; it is another to be brash and thrust yourself in society's face without considering how your words can impact others.

I am thankful that the world does not consist of only Wendys, because if that were to happen, it would be a very cold place - because Wendy does not care what other people think. She only cares what SHE thinks.

2006-06-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

Quote from chonghan79:

"Do we believe/join/participate in a religion because we choose to emulate a respectable person and hopefully become one ourselves?

Or

Do we join a religion because we are awed by the raw power of an entity to the extend where we worship the power but not the virtue of what the power is suppose to represent?"

2006-06-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

I hate it, the consumerist culture is getting worse here! Everywhere it's just shops, malls, and an endless sea of mass-produced goods. You bring in something, it gets sold at the next damn store and three stores down after that, and very soon every goddamned district in the city carries the same thing! Bags, shoes, clothes, the same style the same designs. I used to like those pearly, shiny, pseudo-leather handbags they're selling now, but there's so much of them, I'm actually sick of the look and texture, and the SMELL, especially when the material is the cheap sort.

We're all just wallowing in our self-made hole of endless material consumption.

Do you know what they're teaching in schools now? Entrepreneurship!

Madness, isn't it? What happened to the days of natural learning, of learning as you go along? Teaching young ones to start a business? What is this? When they should be enjoying their youth and learning about the world at large, not thinking about making money! Sure it's good to be wise about finances, but I can see where this road will lead....an even more consumerist economy...someday Singapore is going to burn if we don't start thinking of other attractions apart from this.

I'm just having a bad day. *sigh*

2006-06-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

Job change! Two interviews in the last three days. Phew. Yesterday evening's interview gave me some hope; still, I'll be a very lucky girl if they picked me, since compared to other designers, who have all the background training and experience, I'm virtually...green.

Well, I can't afford to keep mulling over it, and worrying about it all of last night gave me a headache. Today I shall go to the library after work and borrow some training books in Freehand, and learn the program myself. At least it will give me the basics so I don't look like a clueless idiot if some kind-hearted soul decides to employ me.

2006-05-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

"Touch is so natural that without it people become depressed and irritable. Observations show that children brought up in families where parents and children touch each other are healthier and more able to withstand pain and infection than those children deprived of touch. They tend to sleep better, are more sociable and generally happier.

Despite all the evidence to show the benefits of touch, we are still hesitant about touching each other. We think this is due to a confusion between sensuality and sexuality. Because we are so afraid of the connection between sex and touch, we have formalized touch. There are only a few occasions when adults are allowed to touch each other freely." ~ excerpt from Self-Massage, Massage Techniques

I suppose one of the reasons why I strongly agree with this statement is because I never received enough touch as a child. Depression and irritability are not strangers to me, nor I am sure, to anyone who has ever felt nihilistic. This is not to say that I'm putting the blame on unaffectionate parents, for I know that they themselves were victims of growing up in traditonal, strict Chinese households who as a rule do not display affection openly as Westerners do.

I will make a promise to myself to involve more Touch if I have children of my own. It is one thing to let the child who trips and falls, pick himself up, but it is another to completely deprive him of comforting hugs and a smile in his everyday life.

As an afterthought - I often feel as if I'm caught in the crossroads between the East and the West. My generation is a generation of TV, fast food, indulgent toys and fast-growing consumerism. Never has the influence of the West been so prevalent like a wildfire onslaught following the 1990s. I think many of my friends born in the 1980s feel much the same way. We are caught in a transitional era of great progress, not quite here not quite there. We feel the pull of old tradition of the first and second generation, at the same time we feel the influence of the New, as the third generation.

It is little wonder that sometimes I feel a little alien among my family. I daresay I am a little more liberal and less tolerant of blind tradition than, say, my parents are.

2006-05-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

You Are Lemon Meringue Pie

You're the perfect combo of sassy and sweet
Those who like you have well refined tastes

What Kind of Pie Are You?

2006-05-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

"To you Pisces I give the most difficult task of all. I ask you to collect all of man's sorrow and return it to me. Your tears are to be ultimately My tears. The sorrow you will absorb is the effect of man's misunderstanding My Idea, but you are to give him compassion that he may try again. For this the most difficult task of all I give the greatest gift of all. You will be the only one of My twelve children to understand Me. But this gift of understanding is for you, Pisces, for when you try to spread it to man he will not listen."

The above is taken by Martin Schulman's Sun Signs Allegory, a beautiful description of the 12 signs of the zodiac as 12 children appointed by an ambiguous God, each with his unique gift and task for the world.

That must be why I cry so much and so easily, and why my taste for music veers towards sad love songs and heart-rending R&B tunes.

I bought Ken Hirai's 10th Anniversary Compilation today (that's him on the right pic). This singer is seriously talented. I can't understand Japanese, but his voice is so soothing, so melodious, so mellow. In particular I am in love with his single "Hitomi Wo Tojite" (I Close My Eyes). It is essentially a sad love song, speaking of having the strength to endure love's loss and pain, because of the strength that that same love bestowed.

2006-05-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post today, as it's late.

I discovered a little music video of the song "Stupid Girls", check it out at http://www.pinkspage.com
The cinematograhpy is great!

This weekend was a beautiful one for me and the man that I care about. Sometimes it's so easy to misunderstand, to have a prejudice, and to hold back from really loving someone just because you can't fully understand the whole story. It takes a while to get used to, somtimes it can take weeks, months or years to let it sink in. I hope it doesn't take that long. And I am already on my way there...things between my dear love and me, can only get better from now on.

2006-04-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

"Hello! I represent the children of God and may I just share with you some really great news? Yes, you're one of God's children too! Let me tell you all about Jesus!"

"Thanks, but I'm a Christian too."

"Really? Praise the Lord! Which church do you go to?"

"Does it matter?"

"Umm...why don't you come to our church? It's good!"

"I do go to church, and I have my own church to go to. Now please excuse me."

"Are you free this Sunday? We've got the morning service at 11am or you can attend the afternoon one. Plus I can introduce you to my cell group, they're really great people!"

"Listen up. I am a believer in God. I do not need to attend your church just because you think it's the next best thing on earth. I have the Lord in my heart. Isn't that enough, or do I have to turn into a nun to prove my point?"

2006-04-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

It is only now, when I seem to have found a person who could possibly lead me to think that I may share a future together, that I seem to be on the wagon of happiness and content.

Some people believe the only person that can make one happy is oneself. I wouldn't argue with that fact. But I'd also like to include that people were not meant to be alone. Humans are a gregarious lot; how many have retreated into themselves as eccentric reclusives in their cocoon of solitude? Even criminals and murderers go insane when subjected to solitary confinement. Happiness, in part, comes from company, because after all, with two hands anything is possible.

Contentment leaves room for many other things. I find myself taking a wider interest in the world now that the void inside is filled. How strange.

2006-04-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

"Through the fire / through the limit / to the wall/ for a chance to be with you / I'd gladly risk it all...." ~ Chaka Khan, Through the Fire

We meet every Friday, because it is the weekend, because then the evenings belong only to us, and not the corporations.

Every Friday, he leaves work at exactly 5:30pm and rushes home just to be with me.
Dinner is either a simple quick affair, or completely forsaken, or taken hours later, when I have retired to bed.

I am at once humbled and humiliated by this man's devotion and desire to spend every available minute of his time with me. If it were not for Fridays, for the some 6,700 miles seperating us, perhaps I would not have learnt today's lesson of this man's love.

I am humiliated because I should ask myself, does my own devotion match this man's? And, what more could I ask for?

As a child, I've dreamed of fairytale romances, someone who would make me their world. So why is it that I'm taking such an insanely stubborn, long time to see what God has laid before my very eyes?