It seems impossible that a person can change in so short a time. In recent days, due to circumstances, I've been made to face the monster in myself. It terrified me like nothing could ever do. Now I understand the truth of that old adage - "The greatest enemy is yourself".

It's hard to pick up the pieces. Harder still to keep my plunging self-esteem afloat, if it hasn't already hit rock bottom. I guess one could say it's my ultimate retribution, no matter what name it comes by, I'm done in. Beaten into the dust, humbled, and finally that proud persona is falling away.

What am I? Is that really me? Where is the sweet innocent girl that every boy would fall for? The untainted purity of heart, the virgin-white history? What am I?

A dirty spot on white linen.

Wow, it's been quite a gruelling week ahead! We're all stuffed up at the printing factory, sorting out Chanel ads for September's issues of ELLE, Female & Her World. The problem is that some of the pieces may be printed wrongly, or not evenly enough, so we have to sift them all to pick out the good ones. The numbers are:

ELLE - 40,000 copies
Female - 60,000 copies
Her World - 67,000 copies

And this is only for Singapore. There's another pile for Malaysia too.

We've been going home at 10.00pm every day, it's back-breaking work but hopefully it won't last too long.

Here's a secret: I created a new account and went back to those forums. I know, I'm disobedient, because I did say I'd stay away. However I was very bored and longed to take part in discussions there, and the response rate in there is fast. However, everyone who knew me there once no longer knows who I am, so in a way I'm ok, just posting under a different name. But today, some guy, whom my posts were NOT directed at, said my "therapist attitude" was pissing him off *grumbles* That's just one of the things that makes being online so difficult. You get dissed for nothing, just because you tried to give some advice to someone else.
Well, I turned around and told him not to read my posts if he doesn't like it, and to lay off me. Nobody's telling HIM how to behave anyway. Jerk.

Sadly, that just reminds me how few friends I really do have. I mean...I know I NEED to talk to my friends, that keeps my social spirits happy, but if all I'm doing is going to a forum where there are so much losers...and, shock horror! Am I actually counting on their company to get my social fill? I must be pretty pathetic.
I thought of joining a Singapore forum, but that will just be more hassle, and most of the time you just get ignored, so no point eh.

I need to be more like...

Sharon. Who gets things done and moves ahead in life with a practicality and cheerful straightforwardness.

Jingmei. Who treats everyone with love, tolerance and understanding.

Samantha. Whose bubbly personality and caring nature makes everyone smile.

And me? I think I am still a big question mark.

I'm struggling at work.

Coming from a year and a half of working at full speed with little to no problems in my previous job, now suddenly it's back to square one, I barely know anything about the industry I'm in.

Even though everyone at work tells me to just relax and learn for now, I can't help but feel a little useless. Oh, especially when my colleague manages to do everything on her own.

My moods have taken the brunt, and now they're rocky, sometimes high, but most often low. I'm exhausted after each day yet my mind is going at full speed. My self-esteem struggles to stay afloat.

But I guess many people feel this way too.

*sigh*

I was clearing my Sent Items folder in my mailbox today. As I deleted each message, my eyes fell on the email written to my current boss, which I'd sent my resume and CV to. I felt both proud and humbled at once - proud because I managed to get myself out of a job I was growing to hate, and humbled because it was a reminder to keep my head down and working hard no matter what. I have a new job, a kind and understanding boss, and a colleague who's willing to teach me the ropes. Time passes by really quickly at the offfice, before you know it it's 6pm, so it's crucial to get to work the moment I step in the door. How lucky I am!

August's edition of CLEO magazine is so eye-catching with it's neon pink cover and sunny yellow letters, the perfect backdrop for covergirl Sandra Bullock. Jingmei's sister, Jing Hui, told me that the people working at CLEO are worked to death...I really admire them for being able to churn out such an attractive-looking magazine packed with all sorts of information every month. The amount of research, writing, photography and liasoning with clients...I can't even begin to imagine how much work is squeezed in under a month!

I packed my room a little and threw out a whole bunch of old stuff - 3 black trashbags full of books I like but never got around to read, some clothes I'll not wear since I'm getting into a different style phase now. I'll only keep what I'll wear often, and I will keep things simple. No more accumulating of stuff! On the other hand, I splurged on some glittering new necklaces, a pair of gold hoop earrings, a new pouch for the mp3 player, an issue of U.S. edition Seventeen magazine and this month's issue of SHAPE Singapore. I won't mention the 3 pieces of clothing I bought that cost me a little fortune, but that was my reward to myself for getting a new job, so I'll promise not to spend so much next month.

All power and love to my girls Jingmei, Sharon and Samantha, they visited me in hospital on the 4th July when me and my Dad were down with dengue fever. To my Mum, she's the best in the world, running around frantically to take care of us in hospital and go to work, and for her loving attention when she washed my hair twice during my week in hospital. I love you, Mum.

The new Britney Spear's perfume "Curious in Control" has a smashing little writeup in CLEO:
5 Things You Should Be in Control Of:
- Your life
- Your money
- Your anger
- Your looks
- Your scent

At 25, I learnt:


- To treasure my parents more

- The meaning of true love;

- That I can learn anything if I put my mind to it;

- To look at life's Big Picture and relax a little more

Dear Wendy ,

I used to like reading your blog. I found you courageous in your own beliefs and admired your enthusiasm for life. But now all I read are hate and anger-filled posts about the world, and about the people who actually take the time to stop by and read your blog. Some of them may be your fans and friends, others just fence-sitters, and still others who only stop by just to take a perverse pleasure in your angst.

Do you realise what you have become? Your posts are becoming increasingly rife with unnecessary obscenities. It is not that we should not speak obscenities, for if one is truly angry we may find a need to use an obscenity to express the depth of our emotions. But at the rate you are going with it, it seems as if it's more like one of your many accessories to add that "coolness" factor to your already celebrated being.

Being a celebrity (if we can call it that, since you are quite popular in the blog-scene and out of it) is no excuse for you to do what you want - to the extent of not having a care for what effect your behaviour has on others.
It is one thing to be outspoken, different and exciting; it is another to be brash and thrust yourself in society's face without considering how your words can impact others.

I am thankful that the world does not consist of only Wendys, because if that were to happen, it would be a very cold place - because Wendy does not care what other people think. She only cares what SHE thinks.